Now he's gone
by Webby0x
Summary: Derek has died and this is how Meredith copes. Rubbish summary please R R.
1. Chapter 1

Time to say goodbye

"I'm thinking of you, I can't get over you, every time I close my eyes I see our last goodbye. I don't want to see it, it hurts to remember, and I want to forget, to just remember all the good times. I can't forget though, because I love you Derek, I loved you since the start. Ever since I was just the girl in the bar and you were just the guy in the bar. I love you." Everyone's staring at me, but I won't break, I've said my piece. I keep my eye line on the gravestone. I'm surrounded by so many that knew him, everyone loved him. I keep reading the gravestone over and over again. The words chosen by his mother, I Meredith had been too weak, too deep in sorrow to chose any, but I am satisfied with what was put, it summed him up without needing to say anymore.

_Derek Shepherd_

_1974 – 2009_

_He died in the arms of the one he loved, Meredith Grey Shepherd, his wife._

His picture in my hand, I was trying so hard to keep my eyes from erupting but a tear escaped down my cheek, and I know I will never get over him. I curl up on the bed in his shirt, the one he wore when I first met him at the bar, a red shirt he called it his 'pulling shirt'. I guess he was right he pulled that night, he pulled me, and I fell for him. The morning after, it was the longest morning after I'd ever known. I remember the awkwardness when I told him to leave my house, I hadn't known his name till then, those sparkling baby blues, I thought I wouldn't see them again. How wrong I was to think that.

But he's gone now, and I will never be able to feel his lips on mine again, I will never be able to stare into his sparkling baby blues, I will never be able to run my hands through his hair, his amazing fabulous hair. Yet most of all, I will never be able to have his child, he'd wanted children I knew that but I wasn't ready. 'I should have been ready', I tell myself, but there was no way I could turn back time and change what happened. I wish I could have at least slowed it down, when he was here I didn't realise how important every second with him would be. Now I did. Now I knew there had never been anything more crucial, not my career, not my dark and twisty past, but him. The one I called my future, my knight in shining whatever, he really was my other half.


	2. Chapter 2

This is part 2, I hope you like it. Please review after reading

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Reminiscing 

'_Derek, stop it' I laughed as he tickled me; he pretty quickly learnt I was ticklish._

'_And why would I do that when I love hearing you laugh' he replied, with a hint of laughter in his voice._

'_You would stop because I am exhausted and need to sleep' I groaned back at him._

'_Well, I will stop, because you asked so nicely' he said sarcastically 'oh, and you really shouldn't groan like that you know how it makes me feel. He stopped tickling me and instead put his arms around my waist and started kissing my neck; foolishly I let my head fall backwards._

'_Derek, no not know' I stuttered, but I was giving in my knees were weakening; he knew every inch of my body, he knew how to wake it up even when I was exhausted. _

'_Not even a quickie?' he questioned. He moved, his right hand to the back of my neck, guiding me to the bed. _

'_Mm, I guess a q-quickie won't hurt.' I fell backwards, Derek following...._

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'_Meredith, we are in the elevator' Derek told me._

'_Uh huh, I really hadn't noticed' I replied sarcastically, he loved pointing out the obvious, but this time there was more to it._

'_You kissed me in this exact elevator' Derek was behind me, I was staring at the door trying to ignore him. 'You know, you told me you weren't going out with me, that'd you'd drawn a line, in this exact elevator.' _

_I sighed Derek was trying to say something, trying to prove a point. 'Yes I kissed you, I said I wasn't going to go out with you, I told you I had drawn a line. I guess you are irresistible, no actually you truly, truly are McDreamy'_

'_Meredith' he moved closer, hands on my hips. I could feel his breath on my ear as he opened his mouth to speak again. 'Meredith, marry me. Make me a happier man than I already am' I couldn't believe it, had he really asked me, I was starting to freak out as usual but I had nowhere to run this time. The lift still had two floors, until we were on the surgical floor, our destination. So I turned round, gazed into his baby blues, I smiled slightly, he smiled back, that confirmed what I believed I had heard. He was waiting for an answer. _

'_Yes' I whispered, the elevator pinged, we had arrived at our destination, so I left him standing there with a huge grin on his face, I could feel his eyes following me. _


	3. Chapter 3

So this is the third chapter. I hope you like it please review.

Fantasy and reality

'Derek?' I stared at the doorway to our bedroom, no I thought I am imagining it, he's dead.

'Meredith, cheer up, don't look so sad' he whispered. Surely, he didn't whisper thought, he's dead.

'Derek you can't tell me to cheer up, you're dead, and you died in my arms, I'm allowed to be sad.' I continued to stare at him with disbelief, he isn't real I kept telling myself. 'Derek you died in my arms for fucks sake, you're not real, leave me alone!' I shouted to the image standing in front of me, he was getting closer, he disappeared, and he left just like I asked.

'Meredith?' I vaguely heard a familiar voice say, it was Mark. Of course it was Mark, he and my sister were living in my attic. 'Meredith, I heard you shouting. Are you ok?' he look concerned, Mark Sloane, Mark Sloane looked concerned. That not the Mark I know.

'Yes, yes I'm fine Mark, no need to look concerned when you aren't' He sat by me on the bed, he put his arms round me, I just let him. Deep down I needed someone to hold me, but I wanted Derek. 'Mer, you are not ok, and I am concerned about you, we all are' I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, he didn't let go, he knew me better than I realised. I pushed him away; I didn't need his concern or his sympathy.

'Mark, go away. There is no need to be worried. I' fine. Tell the others to stop worrying.' Mark looked me in the eyes, he wanted to say something, all he said was 'Ok' that was it, but there was more in his head, and I could read that much from his look. He got up and walked out my bedroom. I fell back on to my back and stared at the ceiling, just stared my mind was blank, an empty block of wood.


	4. Chapter 4

It has been a while since I last posted so here is the next chapter...

It's time to breathe

Today is the day. I don't care what they say it's been over a month and I won't cope being stuck in this house any longer. I wait for Mark and Lexie to leave, making sure I show no signs of what I intend to do, though they will know when I get to work. I wish I could leave with them, like I used to, but I know I can't, they will try and coax me out of it. Say stuff like 'Mer you're not ready' and 'you need more time to mourn his death'. I sighed, this was going to be hard, but it has to be done. They will ask questions and I will say I'm fine, because that's what I do, they will know it's not true, but it will stop the questions, because when I say it they understand I don't want to talk.

I stopped the engine; I made sure I had parked where less people would notice. People were going to point, stare and talk as soon as I entered the building, actually first they would all stop and give me sympathetic looks. I sighed and took the first steps to the main entrance. If I was going to cope and continue my life as was the last promise I made to my beloved, I had to do this now or I never would, and I am not going to be the wife who didn't carry out the last promise she had made to her dying husband.

I did it, I was over the threshold, I was right people were staring but I didn't care. I felt a huge amount of relief; I had done it, taken the first step. I can feel him; he is here in the hospital, not physically but inside me spiritually. I turned around on the spot, looking up, looking down, and looking everywhere I could possibly see from where I stood. It was as if I had never stood foot in this hospital before, but I had many times, with my mother, with my friends, with my husband and by myself. As I looked I could see them, see what they were thinking, but it didn't bother me, it would have done but not now.

'Meredith, you shouldn't be here!' I heard Alex shout, he had been through so much as well, what with losing Izzie. I wonder how hard it was for him when he first came back.

'Meredith, you need more time' Christina said with apprehension. I ignored them both; we were the last three of the fab 5. Izzie and George both gone, just us left. I started to walk, I knew where I was heading, the locker room, it was time to get into my scrubs.

I was stopped, too hands rested on my shoulders, someone was in front of me, I didn't want to see who it was. 'Meredith, are you sure?' It was Chief Webber; I should have known by the size and weight of his hands on my tiny shoulders. I nodded and he let go he moved out of my and I started to walk again. I heard Alex and Christina shout 'Chief' at the same time, I laughed to myself, I was back, and I was where I wanted to be. I was where Derek wanted me to be, and that, that made me feel content for the time being. I was breathing again.


	5. Chapter 5

_So I know I haven't posted in a while. I am posting two chapters today so enjoy._

The gathering

I sat in the conference room, we all were, attendings, residents and interns, waiting. We'd been paged by the Chief; it pleased me that he included me. The Chief walked in the room, everyone stopped talking, and no one knew what it was about.

'Okay everyone, I have news for you. I would like you all to welcome our head of Neonatal, Dr Montgomery' I heard people whistling, I knew it was Mark and Callie, they were her closest friends here. I felt myself smile, and it felt good, for some reason I was pleased to see her, for a reason I was unaware of I was glad she was back.

'I would also like you to welcome our new head of Neurosurgery, Dr Watkins' my heart sank, I knew his place would be filled one day, I just wasn't expecting it today, people around me clapped and welcomed him but I couldn't do it. I felt eyes bearing into me, people stopped clapping, they were waiting for my reaction, and I wasn't going to give them one. The Chief began to speak again, but I didn't hear what he was saying but then I heard him say my name.

'... and now I know you will have realised Dr Grey has returned, and many of you will be questioning it, whether she is ready, and I want to say that I believe she is so anyone questioning her return should speak to me directly'. He looked at me, and I nodded at him to say thank you. No one was moving from their positions, they were waiting to be dismissed by the Chief, but I couldn't wait. It was silent, I couldn't bare the silence any longer, and I had lived with it for at least a month. I sighed to break the silence, I looked up at the clock, it read 10:49am, his time of death, no one would notice this, just me. So I sighed again, and walked out of the room, no noise followed my leave, the silence continued. I felt like going back in and shouting, but no that would give them the kind of reaction they wanted from me and I wasn't going to give anyone the satisfaction.


	6. Chapter 6

Orders and requests

'Yang you are with Dr Hunt, Karev you are with Dr Sloane and Grey you are with Dr Montgomery' Bailey shouted at us all, she had been our resident in our first year but she still looked after us. Yang and Karev left hastily to get on with the day's work ahead. I noticed Bailey looking at me 'Grey' she said my name and this time I looked at her, knowing I should have moved by now 'Grey, she requested you' she continued with a sympathetic tone. I nodded, still not moving 'Grey move, Now' that got my full attention as she shouted, and I moved.

'Dr Montgomery, you requested me' she turned round, she hadn't changed much, although I saw her a few weeks ago at the funeral I hadn't really looked at her.

'So I did, how are you coping?' she replied. Great I thought that's why she requested me so she could ask me the questions everyone had been asking the past month.

'I'm fine' she understood, no more questions.

'Well it is good to see you Grey back at work' she smiled, it wasn't a sympathetic smile, it was more of a genuine friendly smile, something I had never experienced from her.

'Yeah, well it's good to see you too. I mean someone else to talk to, who doesn't keep telling me, how I should feel or what I should do. Someone who isn't going to ask me the same questions over and over again.' Wow, I thought that felt like a release of something that had been building up inside of me.

'Is it that bad? Of course they are concerned about you. George dies then Izzie and now Derek. I also heard something which is worrying them most of all. No tequila since before Derek died.' I looked at her; I had to admit that sounded odd. Me not drinking tequila to try and drown my sorrow, I did it with George and Izzie, they must be wondering why not Derek.

'Yeah, it hurt Derek to see how much I was relying on the tequila and not him. This time I don't need the tequila, I need Derek, but I don't have him and tequila is no replacement.' She smiled again; I started to wonder what all this smiling at me was about, maybe she is trying to make me feel comfortable.

'Well, some of us are going for a drink later at Joe's and you should come, maybe have some tequila'. That made me laugh, the last time I laughed was when Derek was alive, and it felt strange but it felt amazing. Though I'm not sure if I am ready to go out again not without Derek, I can't really remember going out without him, or at least not going home to him.

'Maybe' that was the only answer I could give, perhaps later I will feel like it. For now I needed to focus on my work.


	7. Chapter 7

**Joe's**

As I change out of my scrubs, I decide to go to Joe's; everyone will be there, a reason not to go. But perhaps it would be good for me.

When Addison had said everyone, I hadn't realised quite what she meant, but all my old friends were there. At first it felt strange but I soon relaxed.

'Hey Joe! Could I get tequila?'

'Sure. So I heard you were back'

'Yes, back, I'm back, back to work and back to tequila'

'Well you don't have to be'

'No, I don't but I want to be'

'Then welcome back, but you might want to have this drink before you turn round'

'Yeah I guess your right' Meredith took the glass and drunk the shot in one go. 'Well this is it'

'Yes it is'

Meredith turned round tequila in hand and walked over to where everyone was, they were talking and laughing as they should be but when they saw her they slowly stopped. She hated it, the way they were always tip-toeing around her, surely they knew it wouldn't work just as Derek had learnt. And so she snapped. 'Stop it just stop it! You don't need to watch what you say when I'm around because Derek died. You of all people should be the ones trying to act normal around me as if nothing has changed and I know it has. So talk and laugh because I am fed up of being stared at like the waterworks are about to start because they're not and you should know that'. Everyone was shocked as was Meredith herself but she could breathe she was breathing again and it felt good. No longer living among the dead but among the living.

'Your wish is my command' Mark said and they laughed, because it was Mark, the one who was always good in awkward silences.

'Tequila?' Cristina asked, being the other dark and twisty one of the bunch she understood what Meredith needed.

'No, I have one and I won't be having any more'

Everyone was talking and laughing again things going back the way they were, but it didn't last.

'Hi, I'm Lucas Watkins new head of Neurosurgery, I don't believe we've met' he smiled an almost dreamy kind of smile but more subtle and everyone was nervous what Meredith was going to do.

'No we haven't but I know who you are'

'So I don't get to know you're name, I mean you know mine surely it's only fair if I...'

'Perhaps it is but I don't intend in sleeping with anyone tonight'. With that comment they all knew Meredith was fine, or at least to her definition of the word and wouldn't need watching in case she did something she would later regret.

'Oh I really didn't mean it like that'

'And you can't take a joke; my name is Meredith, Meredith Grey Shepherd'

'Well it's nice to meet you Meredith'

'I'm sure it is'


End file.
